HugstoHeartbreak Blog

Recently I had the opportunity to present a one-hour seminar on Parental Alienation at the Connecticut Counseling Association’s Annual Meeting.  My co-presenter was Dr. Theresa Canada from Western Connecticut State University.

I began the session by asking a simple question, “How many of you have heard of Parental Alienation?”

I had scripted the beginning of my presentation based on the assumption that most of these experienced counselors had at least heard of alienation — even if they had a negative opinion of it.

Much to my surprise, only five or six out of the more than 40 counselors in the room raised their hands.  Talk about tap dancing.  I trashed my planned remarks and spent the first few minutes explaining Parental Alienation to the group.

Despite the detour, our presentation went very well.  While most of the counselors indicated they had never heard of Parental Alienation, once they heard our explanation many of them chimed in with stories from their practice that illustrated our points.  Many of them came up to us after the presentation and thanked us for bringing clarity to an issue that they recognized, but didn’t know existed. 

I really thought those of us working all these years to raise the visibility of Parental Alienation had made some progress.  Maybe we have, but my experience with the Connecticut Counseling Association showed me how much more work we need to do educate the mental health profession about this destructive family dynamic.

Long-time visitors to this site may remember that once upon a time we promoted telephone conference calls for alienated parents.  The concept was pretty simple — parental alienation experts would host the one hour calls for targeted parents.  The experts would provide information while the targeted parents would share their experiences in a supportive environment. 

The conference call concept never took off — at least for us.   But I’m happy to report that conference calls for alienated parents are alive and thriving on the web.  The calls are marketed under the umbrella, ”TalkShoe.”

I’ve been a guest on a few TalkShoe programs focused on parental alienation.  The program format is very similar to talk radio — a host interviews the guest and listeners call in and ask questions.  As an added bonus, a recording of the call is posted on the host’s TalkShoe site so future site visitors can share the experience. 

I’d encourage anyone dealing with parental alienation to participate in these TalkShoe events.  First, you’ll discover you are not alone in dealing with parental alienation.  Second, you’ll pick up some excellent information from the parental alienation experts who regularly participate in these programs.  Finally, you’ll find yourself part of a very special support group whose members understand the pain and heartbreak of parental alienation. 

If you have information on parental alienation-specific TalkShoe programs you would like to recommed to our site visitors, please post the information here.

One of our mantras to alienated parents is to continue sending your alienated children messages of uncondtional love.  No matter how badly a child behaves, it is important for targeted parents to continually reinforce the consistent message that Mom or Dad “still loves you and wants to be part of your life — no conditions or questions asked.”

We typically encourage parents to phone, send emails, letters, cards and small gifts, and continue issuing invitations.  But we all know how tough it is to get our messages past the alienating parent.  When we do get past the parent, we often don’t have time to deliver more than a couple of words before the child slams down the phone. 

I’m pleased to report that I was recently contacted by a site visitor who designs, hosts and updates personal websites that help alienated parents send positive messages to their alienated children.  A personal website not only prevents alienating parents from blocking your access, but let’s face it — our children are more familar with the web than their local post office.  The internet is their comfort zone.  They surf the web and communicate with friends in relative privacy.  What’s to stop a curious child from typing his or her own name, or your name, into a search engine?  When the child sees a link to your site, he or she may visit it without APOS (Alienating Parent Over Shoulder) and you can reinforce that you love and miss him/her and still want to be part of his or her life.

While it would be ideal if the child used the site to communicate with you, that shouldn’t be your goal.  Your goal is to reinforce positive messages with your child in a format that he or she finds safe and comfortable.  Then when your child believes he or she can reach out to you safely, the child knows the door is still open.

The site is called “Keeping Families Together” and you can find a link on our resources page. If you know of any resources that would help alienated parents, please share them in the space below.

A couple of years ago an Instant Message popped up on my computer screen right before Thanksgiving – “My ex-husband is keeping me from my son!”   

Mom was angry that her ex-husband, who lived in another state, wouldn’t put Junior on an airplane so the child could spend the holiday with Mom.  “He does this all the time,” she typed in capital letters.  Mom was convinced Dad was trying to cut her out of her son’s life.   

A parent who uses his or her child to punish the ex-spouse is placing the anger, hurt and disappointment about the failed relationship above the child’s need to have normal, healthy relationships with both parents.  When a parent refuses to let a child spend time with his or her other parent, the child suffers. 

A child always suffers when parents divorce – even when Mom and Dad do everything they can to make the transition as smooth as possible.  In many cases the child must split his or her time between two homes.  Other aspects of the child’s physical and emotional world are also split in half.  On any given day the child receives half the hands-on support, attention and guidance he or she received prior to the divorce.  Children must also adjust to Mom and Dad having less disposable income, more stress as single adults and divorced parents, and eventually, new love interests. 

The child suffers even more when parents put the child in the middle of their ongoing post-marital sniping and one-upmanship.  What kind of parent would do such a thing to a child? 

Parents who react emotionally to the slightest intentional or unintentional provocation from the ex-spouse typically look for whatever, or whoever, is closest to use in retaliation against the other parent.  A child is usually close by.  A child is also the ultimate “hit him/her where it hurts” weapon.    Parents who make plans for the child on the other parent’s weekend, refuse to pick up the phone when the other parent calls, or intentionally forget to mention next week’s school play or soccer game ignore the child’s desire for a normal life with both parents.  These parents also put the child in dangerous emotional territory – defending one parent’s actions, or worse, questioning a parent’s desire to be a loving, attentive Mom or Dad. 

If a parent teaches a child that his or her relationship with the other parent is unstable, insecure, inconsistent or temporary, there will be a correlation between the damaged parent/child relationship and difficult adult relationships years later. 

 The holidays are almost here.  The gift of spending time with his or her other parent is the best gift you can give your child. 

Hollywood’s Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards hurl accusations at each other during their ongoing divorce and child custody battle and bloggers, experts and special interest groups want to highlight their situation as an example of parental alienation.

Rudy Giuliani’s children appear angry over his divorce and remarriage and the same groups want to highlight his case as an example of parental alienation.

And of course, Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger are the celebrity poster parents for discussions on parental alienation.  At least Baldwin is the one holding his case up as an example.  And when he does, too many people have a comment about the situation without any first-hand knowledge.

Does it bother anyone else that too many advocates are drawing conclusions about situations they know nothing about?

Targeted parents, many of whom who have been falsely accused of horrible acts as part of the alienation campaign, are rightfully very sensitive about others drawing conclusions about their character and parenting skills based only on the word of the alienating parent.  But what do we accomplish when we do the same thing to celebrities?  Are we really helping to raise the visibility of an issue that has affected us all?  Or are we just giving our critics more ammunition to support their claims that parental alienation is junk science with no basis for fact?

Your thoughts? 

I’ve written many times that I believe neither men or women have cornered the market on the emotional issues that lead one parent to alienate a child from the child’s other parent.  I’ve also made it well known that I hear from just as many targeted Moms as Dads in the emails that arrive through this site.  

I continue to notice that educating the public, as well as the legal and mental health professionals, about parental alienation continues to get bogged down by gender issues.  Special interest groups include parental alienation into broader child support, domestic violence and court reform issues.  These groups push well-intentioned agendas —  even though, depending on which side of the issue you are on, you may or may not agree with their agendas or the motives behind them.   

When these groups roll up parental alienation into their larger issues, they portray parental alienation in the light most favorable to the larger agenda.  I believe any “return on investment” to alienated parents is negligible.  Parental alienation must be a stand-alone issue that is addressed on its own merits.  

Anyone who has experienced parental alienation and is interested in regaining a relationship with his or her child, as well as protect others from this very destructive family dynamic, should do their best to keep alienation separate from these other issues.  And if Moms and Dads stand united on this point, it will be very hard for special interest groups to distort our pain and heartfelt desire to be parents to our children by incorporating parental alienation into larger agendas that dillute our message.

Thoughts?

Last weekend there was an Equal Parenting Rally in Washington D.C.  The rally’s goals were admirable — everything from Family Court reform to shared parenting to parental alienation awareness.

Father’s for Justice, a group that champions Father’s Rights causes and has gained publicity in the past for stunts such as scaling the walls at Buckingham Palace, climbed onto the monument at the Lincoln Memorial and draped a sign promoting their cause across Lincoln’s chest. 

 Well intentioned or not, I don’t believe defacing the Lincoln Memorial helped the rally’s organizers achieve their goals.  Sadly, I believe the opposite may be true — Fathers for Justice gave legislators, judges and divorce professionals another reason to believe that rally attendees are just disgruntled and selfish litigants who probably got what they deserved.

 The Lincoln Memorial is sacred ground — a monument to a President who guided this country and its people through its worst crisis.  As much as I believe we need court remform and recognition of parental alienation, I don’t believe we accomplish our goals by defacing national monuments and disrupting the vacations of the thousands of parents and children who may have been visiting Washington D.C. for the first, and only, time.

Upon discovering our website, many people write and tell us about their parental alienation nightmares.  These parents repeat the same two consistent comments:

1. I didn’t know there was a name for this; and
2. I can’t believe so many others are also dealing with alienation.  I thought I was the only one.

Sharing your parental alienation story with people who know what its like to walk in your shoes will  help you deal with your situation.  You’ll discover that targeted parents, grandparents and extended family members are very generous with their support, compassion and empathy.  You’ll also discover people who are at different points along their alienation experience.  Since so many parents’ alienation stories share the same characteristics, their experiences may  give you an idea you can apply to your own situation.

Good luck.  We hope you find this space useful.

Welcome to the new Hugs to Heartbreak website.  We launched this new site in conjunction with the release of our book, Hugs to Heartbreak: A Parent’s Journey Through Parental Alienation.   Reserve your copy if you haven’t done so already.  The book will be out soon.

We’ll use this blog to tell you what’s new with Hugs to Heartbreak: A Parent’s Journey Through Parental Alienation and our efforts to raise the visibility of this issue.  You can use this blog to tell us what you think about the book and this website.  We hope you’ll also use this space to talk to each other.  We’ve noticed that parents dealing with this destructive family dynamic appreciate any opportunity to compare notes and exchange suggestions.  People dealing with parental alienation also take great comfort in knowing that their experience is not unique.  As we’ve said many times, understanding parental alienation may not take the sting out of being a targeted parent, but it does dull the sensation a little bit.

 Here’s hoping Hugs to Heartbreak: A Parent’s Journey Through Parental Alienation can help parents reunite with their children.